Friday, 16 September 2011

My skin grows thicker for the new season.

Time stands still, yet it changes everything - that seems to be the summary of my life at the moment. No change, except in that which I feel I detest.

Apologies that I have not been around on the blogosphere lately, I have been contending with a lot and with my cynical nature, did not feel that creativity or sharing words or creativity in any way deserved my anchored time!

A break up after 5 long years has left me feeling confused - I feel rather like I am hanging in the air, with my feet dangling, unable to touch the ground. Although I initiated this break-up, naturally this outcome is the hardest one to resort to. I feel free, yet trapped. Trapped in my longings for yester-years, trapped in my sadness and trapped in my weak 'What if?'' moments where I want to undo what I have undone!

Shortly before all of this I made the decision to change courses at university, which, although should have been a fairly simple procedure, turned out to be ridiculously prolonged and complicated, thus other options were explored and I am now an Open University student!

Among other things, these fairly large changes in my life have been at the centre of many a conversation at weddings, house warmings and suchlike - because invitations to events of these sorts like to present themselves when one has issues that they are trying to avoid dealing with, let alone discussing with others, does anyone else find this?! One's fairly event-less life suddenly becomes unusually eventful shortly after an issue that deserves to be shunned, not shared! 

Perhaps this is just me, in person I prefer to keep things to myself; a problem shared is not a problem solved from my perspective! But that's just my introverted, bottle-it-up way - although I have adopted this 'sharing a problem' philosophy through the channel of blogging right now!

How miserable I sound - apologies for that!

I have come to the realisation through various recent happy and unhappy episodes, that we really must live for ourselves, not to please others. People-pleasing does not lead to real happiness and after all we only live once! 

I have been exercising an honesty-is-the-best-policy attitude - trying to be frank with people, not in a selfish or malicious way, but in a way that is not in my recent submissive, people-pleasing nature! So I try to over-rule this nature forever and ever! Telling people what they want to hear, agreeing with what I feel should be agreed with and being 'too nice' is a ticket to being trodden down, if not slightly pathetic! 

I've been keeping my heart closed to everyone and everything recently! That includes those enticing, lovely Autumn/Winter pieces that I have been getting to know recently, but not fully letting into the realms of my wardrobe! The (online) baskets are bulging, but like that they will stay while I continue to exercise cold, hard will-power.

I have been contemplating voluntary work abroad - I found one opportunity in particular that really reached out to my heart which involves volunteering in China during January. Given that I am now fully flexible due to my study arrangements, as well as my fully flexible job I am unsure as to whether or not I should live for the moment and jump off of this cliff of monotony into a free ocean of adventure and change, or remain in this frozen time period that seems to thrive on monotony!

Unfortunately my analytical, (currently) very sensible-self struggles to choose between living for today and living for tomorrow! My savings will just about cover this potential adventure... a long ponder....

On a positive note I passed my driving test a few weeks ago - I am pleased to report a positive event amongst the negatives! My very kind, generous sister has offered my her car (she had planned to get a new one anyway!), now I know that I am lucky not to have to concern myself over the expense of a car, but obviously the expense of car insurance is now a factor I must responsibly include in any spending speculations and considerations. 

I take a great disliking to responsibility, I love to be free of it, in a child-like state, worrying not about life's problems, but what might be for dinner later!

Thankyou to anyone who bothered to read through all of those ramblings!

Have a fabulous weekend all! I'm off to rebel against myself and dye my hair red!

....Just realised the irony of this post above my last post! How funny!

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